What is a disciple?

A couple of the things I have heard lately really have me questioning what really does it mean to disciple someone. I heard a quote that said when the only tool you have is a hammer than everything looks like a nail. I think the church has one tool - it's programming. Suddenly everything has to fit into that. I am not saying programs are bad things, but I think they may be a part of the process and actually a smaller one than we would like to believe. I also heard Reggie McNeal, who actually I think also had the hammer quote, tell a story about flying into his local airport. It is not a nice one and something that he somewhat begrudgingly endures because it is a necessary part of the trip. But here was his point, the airport is not his final destination. He said airports are a part of the process but not the final destination. The airport is something that helps you get where you want to go. He said churches are supposed to be like airports, but sometimes we think we are the final destination.

I seem to be hearing this constant challenge recently that suggests that discipleship is not what I think it is. Oh maybe at some high intellectual level I might philosophize it differently, but they way I act is that is all about butts in seats for programs. Why do I consistently fall into this trap? At another conference a rather wild gentlemen from New Zealand suggested that what we call discipleship is actually just socialization. Here's what he meant - a lot of times we are more concerned with how someone new conforms to our social values such as how we speak or act or look. I am not saying those things are not important at times, but it is not discipleship in the sense that someone is growing closer to God through a relationship with Jesus Christ.

So all of this is stretching my idea of what this discipleship thing should be about. Here is one of the things it is - I forget who said it, but it basically was discipling involves foregoing my right or role as the expert and becoming an encourager for what God is doing in someones life. I think it is messy and involves being ok with it not looking neat or orderly or what I always think it should look like. I am continuing to wrestle with the question. So I wonder, what do you think? What does it mean to disciple?

The floodgates have opened

I have often gone through seasons where I feel a little dry spiritually. This is not an uncommon experience, and one that I know many people experience. However, this time the dry spell feels like it has come to an uncommonly abrupt ending. I feel very much like the mosquito in the cartoon - I hit an artery and fear I may explode. Three experiences seem to have catalyzed this avalanche of insight. I attended a day long pre-conference for an organization called Forge. It is an existing organization from Australia that is trying to get started in America. The second was a session with a consulting group called Imago for our student ministry creative team. And finally a week in Florida at the Exponential Conference.

With all of these insights and thoughts floating around in my head, I felt I should start to process some of them. For me I find that writing is often a way for me to begin to put the pieces together. For this session I want to focus on some of the more personal revelations. It began to occur to me several weeks ago that I have become even more task focused and less people focused than I normally am. I am not 100% sure what started it, but it has certainly been confirmed in many different ways. Some of the confirmation has been painful as people close to me have challenged me or shared with me ways in which I have hurt them by my behavior. As I began to examine this I realized that I used my ability to focus on tasks and get things done to cope with the fact that I felt emotionally overwhelmed and relationally drained. It was much easier to just focus on the things I felt I could control. Sadly this created a relational distance and by the time I realized it, the damage was done. And the damage was not just done to those around me, but also to my self. I felt lonely. That is not an emotion I will admit to often. Here are some of the things I have heard recently to confirm this.

I had several people close to me challenge me, saying things like I feel like you keep me at an arms length even while you are asking me not to do that. You are a friend I care about, but lately you have been treating me like an employee. And finding out that somebody who I cared about and who had previously respected me was hurt when I lost my cool and exploded at them. On top of that personal feedback I heard some things that have really given language to what I believe the issue is. One of the quotes that stuck out the most was a question the consultants asked us about our processes and programs, but that I took more personally - is how you are saying things speaking louder than what you are saying? I think I have been saying what I value with my mouth, but my actions have been saying something completely different, much louder. Another phrase was seagull management. Seagull management is when you respond to a situation by swooping in, making a lot of noise, dump on everyone and fly away. I fear I have settled for this style of leadership, only conversing or meeting with people when there was some issue to deal with. In the end all I do is make a tense situation worse. I also heard someone say that our ideology doesn't have much accountability, but our relationships do. I have setted for ideas without relationship. Finally, I attended a workshop led by one of our staff members Brian Zehr. It was entitled "What every follower wants from a leader". I should have known I was in for trouble. Brian explained that after interviewing scores of leaders he was able to develop the top 6 characteristics that every follower wanted to see from their leader. The very first one pierced me right through the heart. It was accessibility. Every follower wants to know their leader is available for them and has time for them.

The interesting thing is through all of this conviction, I don't feel down. I am not sad. I can't say I do not have significant regret for my actions, but I don't feel like I am beating myself up. My typical reaction is to play the bash Tim game, but I know this is conviction from the Holy Spirit, because as hard as it is to hear, I feel oddly positive. I know I can change. I know I have struggled to do things on my own and through my own strength. I feel like God has spoken clearly to me on what to do. I have began the awkward and painful process of meeting individually with people that I know I have hurt, asking for their forgiveness. It's not easy and it's not quick. I also have made a conscious effort to focus more on the people and less on the tasks. Trying to open myself up to people more.

In some ways it is like the change of seasons we are going through. After the long winter it is such a joy to open the windows on those first warm days. A long car ride on a sunny day with the windows down. It is refreshing and life giving. In future posts I hope to unpack some of the thoughts on ministry and the Church, because I feel like as I personally revive I am hearing so much that pertains to how we accomplish the mission of God. But for now this seems a great place to start.

Pedal faster!

For all of my life that I can remember or as long as I can remember people telling stories about me, since I can't remember yesterday most days, I have been a speed freak. It didn't matter if I was on a big wheel, a bike, a go kart, or a car - I wanted to go faster. I seem to lack the internal sense of fear that most normal people have. I remember one visit to Texas. We went out to Brandie's brother Cameron's in-laws house. (I realize that was one of those brother's, cousin's, former roommate kind of comments) Cameron's in-laws had 4 wheelers and a lot of land, which is a pretty darn good combination. They had actually started an orchard on part of the land as an investment type thing. Through the midst of these adolescent pines was a series of trails. Apparently they had mapped out 2 paths through the orchard and out into the pasture, around the barn and back to the starting point. The paths were not identical in size so you started on one and crossed over to the other one, so you each did an equal distant lap of both. So it was a race! This was right up my alley. Cameron challenged me to a race before I could even get out of my car. Far be it from to pass up a race. Having never ridden these particular 4 wheelers or seen this track, I was given a few minutes to acclimate myself to the conditions. I think I may have lost the first race, but then won several in a row after that. Now Cameron had a few pounds on me for sure, but he had driven this track many, many times. The experience of flying through the trees made you feel like you were on the Endor moon in Star Wars. It became clear that I was willing to race through the trees much faster. No sense!

I think for the most part I have always been proud of my speed freakishness. It seemed like a skill I possessed. A strength uncommon to my peers. Something has dawned on me recently, that it is a bit of an addiction. I don't race cars anymore and I miss it terribly. I don't own a fast car and that just pisses me off to be perfectly frank. But I am actually not worried about that part of the addiction. I think I speed through life. I have become addicted to an incredibly hectic pace. Sure I complain about it. Constantly remind people how busy I am, even how put upon I am by the powers that be, but really, it is my own fault. Addicted to speed, addicted to a pace that is far beyond what a reasonable person would subject themselves too. And why? There is the million dollar question. Why? Is it because I am just conditioned to pedal as fast as I can? Am I trying to make up for something? I have often described myself as someone who does not get by on my ability or smarts but by my willingness to work harder than most everyone else. Really? I am addicted to speed. I guess this is something I will continue to wrestle with. For now I think I am willing to admit that it is my own fool self that sets the pace at full throttle all the time. That is a big step for me. I suppose the next step is to find a healthier pace and stop running over people as I pedal my tricycle of life as fast as I can. As I look at this picture of me on the tricycle I realize how crazy I look and I am sure that is how I am seen by many. I am ready to pedal at a different speed for awhile.

Nothing so Passé as a Resolution

It is traditionally at this time of the Year that I tend to look back and also look forward as so many do. Because I am a task driven, goal oriented person I find a natural proclivity towards resolutions. I have even had a reasonable amount of success in achieving some of them. This goes back probably 10 years or more, but I vowed to read at least 1 book a month for the year since it was something I had long neglected. On that resolution I was a bit of an over-achiever and read closer to 20 books in a year. It was also a habit I was able to keep in practice ever since, although not that many on average usually.

It has become a familiar refrain in my last few blog entries, few and far between though they may be, that a book has sparked a thought on which I choose to ponder. This latest one has to do with the topic of resolutions. Again given my tendency to focus on lists, tasks and goal related accomplishments, I have been very challenged with an idea from a book called "Silent Alarm" by John Blumberg. The main character of the book is challenged with the notion to "redefine your dream. Not of what you will do but of who you will become." This has stuck like a splinter in my mind for weeks and seems like an itch I need to relieve. Most of my resolutions or plans - scratch that, all of them - center around things I feel I need to do, should do, must do. But they are always things I do. In doing those things I may change who I am, but only by accident, not by decisive thought or intention.

Then this morning as I read my Bible, with this haunting refrain echoing in the recesses of my thoughts, I read I Corinthians 13:1 - "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal." Suddenly clarity is coming to me like the pieces of a puzzle fitting together. I have wondered over and over how do I focus on who I will become instead of what I will do. I recognize the profoundness of that statement and can appreciate how critical a shift it is to make, but I do not know how to do it. I am not sure that I understand it fully, but as I read that passage from I Corinthians I think that love has a lot to do with it. My predominant motivation is not love. It is usually self promotion, self preservation or some other self initiated intention. I think that I am a gong and a clanging symbol. Maybe a well organized, orderly one, but all that means is that people know what time to expect the useless noise.

So, my journey this year is to Redefine My Dream. Not of what I will do in 2010 but of who I will become. Who is the person that God wants me to be? What qualities mark the man, not what activities. I think the first one is Love.

Finally, Don't be Driven

I sometimes wonder if the people around me get tired of hearing "So I am reading this book." But I truly believe that reading is an invaluable asset. As I wandered into the office/den/cave at home, my son looked up from his cartoon intoxication and asked why we had so many books. He, like my daughter, is a pretty avid reader. Although he is more into video games than anything. Anyway, it is a common theme. I read way less than a lot of my friends and colleagues, but I just finished reading "Youth Ministry 3.0 - A Manifesto of where we've been, where we are and where we need to go." It is a somewhat unlikely read for me, in that it is a youth ministry specific book and one of a select few I have read. I found it really challenging as it talked about the authors perspective on where we have been and currently are in youth ministry. The emergence of an adolescent culture is a recent phenomenon, in the last century, and all indications are that the period of time attributed to this "transitionary" phase of life is increasing. All of this was interesting and challenged me, but it was when I got to one of the last sections that I found my most significant and intensely personal lessons. It was entitled "Finally, Don't be Driven." I would like to quote some of this small, yet impactful section because it meant so much to me. Here is what it said:

I'm a big fan of passion - both the concept and the experience. I've probably chosen passion as a speaking theme to both teenagers and adults more than any other subject over the last 10 years. I believe that Jesus' promise in John 10:10 - I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full - is one of the most inspiring and wonderful verses in all of Scripture.
But I've come to believe there's a difference between passion and being driven. Passion calls to us; being driven coerces us. Passion seduces us; being driven guilt's us. Passion is invitational; being driven is prescriptive. Passion is inquisitive; being driven is punitive. Passion is full of emotion; being driven is cold and calculating.

And youth workers who embrace a Youth Ministry 3.0 mindset and approach will stop being driven by job descriptions, measurements, buildings, time demands, and Messiah complexes. Instead, we'll slow down enough, deconstruct enough, to be fully present.

First, present to Jesus Christ's activity in our own lives. The nourishment of the soul must become priority number one for youth workers in this new epoch. We simply must stop giving lip service to this while imitating the Road Runner of cartoon fame. (Beep-beep!)

This really spoke to me, especially the imagery of the Road Runner. I am running at break neck speed because I am driven. I am not passionately following - well, maybe sometimes - but mostly I fall into this intensely driven pattern. I resonated with every example of being driven and I longed for every aspect of the passion side. I read these words this morning after making one of those shockingly honest confessions to my wife last night about how my drive and ambition were dragging me down. God certainly knew what I needed to read this morning as I opened my Bible to continue my reading of Mark. In Mark 12, Jesus talks about the greatest commandment - Love God, Love people. Love requires passion. I think theses words are incredibly timely and not just limited to the topic of youth ministry. I want to have my priority number one be to grow in my passion and love of God and His people. Not my driven, cold and calculating schemes. This was an excellent reminder at a critical juncture for me.

We got to Pray just to make it today

Honestly I have been wrestling with the topic of prayer for a long time. It seems to have intensified recently for some strange reason. My struggle with this is why would MC Hammer sing about it? Not really. I have been having difficulty coming to terms with why do we pray. God is going to do what He wants to do after all. Do I think that I can convince Him or coerce Him into doing what I want? Of course not. God knows best - He has an infinite, unchanging perspective where mine is limited and shifts like the wind. I heard somebody say that we pray not to change God's mind but to align our hearts with God. That sounds really profound and like what I am missing but yet I am still not satisfied. I truthfully have had a hard time praying and asking for things lately. Everything seems like something I want and in the back of my mind I think, well you can ask but He's going to do what He's going to do so does it really matter. I am willing to concede this may be one of those, take thought captive kind of moments, where I just need to press through my doubt. And yet I am still not satisfied. I still feel like I am missing something.

Oddly as I have wrestled through this for several months in a very intense way it seems to be preparation for a trial. Isn't it always! Now someone close to me - the closest person to me and the one I cannot imagine life without - needs prayer. They need healing. I have found myself praying earnestly and constantly. Asking for healing, for a miracle, for relief, for strength. Literally feeling like I have to pray just to make it to and through today. I don't know the outcome. I want a miracle. I want a physical healing. I am asking for it. I am begging for it.

I guess it boils down this. I believe God can do all things. I also believe He is going to do what He knows is best. How do I ask for something that I have no idea if it is what is best or not? I want to align my heart for God, but it totally messes with my desire to pray for things. I have read many scriptures - we have not because we ask not - that suggest we do have an impact with our prayers. Not that we change God's mind but somehow the prayers of the saints looses things in a way we cannot begin to understand. My heart and my mind are once again waged in mortal combat. I don't know the answer. I know that in this case there is so much on the line and I am praying, like I have never prayed before. I do pray for healing for my wife. I also pray God would help me to see His hand at work even if it is not in the way I am looking for it. And I pray I can get past this internal struggle of mine. I have got to pray just to make it today.

Impact

Impact is a word I have been hearing a lot of lately because of an initiative at Church. I suppose like anything that is substantial in scope and communication, at times it can become redundant or even annoying. Lately I think I have been slipping into that category a little, maybe feeling a little over exposed. Today we watched a video presentation that has completely reversed my previous thoughts. The video featured people whose lives had been impacted in various ways by Community Christian Church. Other than extreme pride in the body of believers I am associated with, I was struck in 2 ways. The first hit me as I listened to the stories of life change, saved marriages, freedom from addictions, purpose where there had previously been none, and countless other ways. I realized - I am one of those lives impacted. My marriage was delivered from the brink of destruction, my life was freed from total obsession of self, and my children have a father and not a paycheck (although I wish they could have both!). I am a life changed and impacted. I honestly had a hard time keep the tears from coming, as for a brief moment I contemplated where I would be were it not for God getting a hold of my life through Community.

The second impact to me was that I began to realize all the people I have been apart of impacting. I have been blessed to bring care and support to the fatherless, the friendless and the hopeless. Not because I am a great person, anyone that knows me knows that is not the case. But because of the impact to me, I am moved to make an impact. I open myself to Love God and Love Others. I am so blessed. I truly have the greatest job in the world. At times it is hard, so hard. I feel pulled in more directions than physically possible most days, but I can't imagine my life without this. I am impacted and impactful.

A woman came up to some of us staff members afterwards and had not received a copy of the video that was distributed. I reluctantly looked down at the copy I clutched in my hand and gave it over. There are more somewhere I am sure and I will for sure grab one. I can only imagine that she has been as impacted as me and I hope so.